


Love or Love?

by APuckToTheFace



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 06:49:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6743836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APuckToTheFace/pseuds/APuckToTheFace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erica finally convinces Patrick to tell Jonny but Jonny's already with Lindsey.</p><p>Takes place when Sharpy was still on the team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love or Love?

            “Patty, when are you going to tell him?” Erica asked after I finished telling her a story of what Jonny did, during one of our weekly Skype dates. My face turned beet red, knowing exactly what and whom she was talking about.

            “I don’t think I’ll ever tell him.” I admitted to her.

            “Patty” She sighed her face giving me a look of pity. “Why not?”

            I rubbed my face knowing this was going to be one of our very emotional conversations that always made me tear up at some point. “Why should I, I have too much to lose if I tell him.”

            “But you have a lot to lose if you don’t tell him.” Erica countered.

            “What if he hates me for it?”

            “Pat, it’s Jonny, he would never hate you for being gay, let alone being in love with him.”

            “But our friendship will get all awkward after I tell him, he won’t know how to normal around me.”

            “So give it a couple of weeks and he’ll be back to normal, or who knows he might just reciprocate your feelings.” I groan feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

            “He doesn’t love me more than a brother.” I say positively. “He has Lindsey, and she is wonderful, like really wonderful. She is perfect for him, and I am the biggest fuck up he knows, there is no way he would love me more than her.”

            “Patrick, you may have screwed up in the past but you are not a fuck up, you just made some stupid choices.”

            I rolled my eyes at her. “Whatever, he still doesn’t love me more than a brother.”

            “You’ll never know for sure unless you tell him.” She said knowing that she was the only one that could break me. “Plus if you don’t tell him you’ll regret not telling him when it’s too late. And Patrick I know you, that regret will eat you alive for the rest of your life.”

            “Erica.” I sighed wiping at my eyes, as my heart beat hard in my chest.

            “It’s hard Patty, but love is worth hurting for, that’s what Mom and Dad have always said.”

            “Fine, I’ll tell him.” I conceded after a few moments of thinking things over.

            “Good, go now before you change your mind.” She said sternly.

            “Wait, what?” I asked I couldn’t go tell Jonny now, I wasn’t prepared.

            “Now’s the perfect time, you have two weeks before the end of the season and the start of the playoffs, which gives Jonny the time to get over the awkwardness if need be before playoffs start. Also it gives Jonny time to mull things over if he becomes confused. Plus, I know for a fact Lindsey is out of town right now. And if you don’t do it now, there is a 90 percent chance you will change your mind.”

            “What do I say?” I asked my hands getting extremely sweaty.

            “Tell him the truth, whatever your feeling Pat. Once you start the words will come.” She explained. I nodded before bidding her goodbye; she was right if I didn’t do it now I would never do it.

            Too nervous to drive I hailed a cab and made my way over to Jonny’s where I knocked nervously on his door. When Jon opened the door he looked confused, like he had fallen asleep on the couch watching one of his TV Shows. “Pat” he smiled ushering me in. “You have a key, you don’t have to knock.”

            “I know, but with Lindsey living here it doesn’t feel polite.”

            “When has that ever stopped you when I lived in the apartment?” He questioned his smile growing, I just shrugged in return. “Did you come over to hang out?” he asked hopeful.

            “I came over because I had to tell you something.” I said sitting down on the couch, rubbing my hands on my jeans trying to dry them.

            “What do you have to tell me?” Jon asked, now looking worriedly at me.

            “Jonny,” I take a deep breath, telling myself that ripping off the Band-Aid is the best way to go about this. “I-I I’m gay.” I stutter. Jonny looked shock for a second before his face turned back into a smile.

            “Pat, I feel honored that you felt comfortable enough to tell me.” He said hugging me, I clutched at his back like he was the only form of life support I had as the tears started to run down my cheeks. “Don’t cry Pat, it’s alright, you’re still you and it won’t change anything. We’ll still be best friends, nothing will change that.”

            I took a couple deep breaths trying to calm myself down again before speaking. “Even if I have fallen in love with you?”

            This time Jonny’s shocked face didn’t disappear right away with a smile. “What?” he asked quietly.

            “Jonny, I’ve slowly fallen in love with you since our rookie season. You were always there, so serious about the game, yet had such a childish side that not many got to see. When you promised me, we’d fill the UC again, I believed you, and we accomplished that. Then you promised we would win the Cup and we accomplished that. You promised after we raised the Cup that we would raise it again together, and once again it happened. Then you told me we had a third Cup victory in us, and we were able to do it.

            Even outside of hockey you keep your promises, even as absurd they seem. You have grown into a man that anybody would be lucky to call yours. You’re funny, smart, charming, awkward, and so Jonny, that every time I see you my heart flutters. I love you Jonny.” I admitted through only a few stray tears.

            Jonny was quiet for a couple minutes before answering. “I have Lindsey.”

            The tears started to fall more as I responded. “I know, and she is truly amazing, and is the perfect girl for you. It would have been so much easier to tell you this if I could hate her but I can’t. I get it though, you’re not gay, and you have a girl you love.” I pause. “I just needed to tell you before I regretted not telling you. We can still be friends though, right?”

            “Of course, Pat. We’ll be friends until the end.” He said pulling me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder, as relief, freight, and a thousand other emotions rolled over me. “I’m sorry Pat.” Jonny said not pulling out of the hug.

            “You have nothing to be sorry for.” I said hugging back for a little bit longer before pulling out of the hug. “But I have to go.”

            “You don’t have to go, we could play some videogames.” Jonny said earnestly.

            “I do, I have to go get my composure back for the rest of the season. But don’t worry, after tonight I’ll act the same.” I send him a small sad smile before leaving the house.

            As the door closed I heard Jonny call out Pat but I didn’t turn around. I hailed down a cab that was passing by and went home, as much as I wanted to go to a bar and drink this night away. When I got home, I texted Erica to tell her I told Jonny before shutting off my phone and crying myself to sleep into my pillow, my heart broken.

            I woke up the next morning and made my way to the arena in a zombie mode, not ready yet to deal with Jonny, even though I knew I needed to. “Kaner, you look half dead, you partied last night without me?” Shawzy asked as soon as he saw my puffy red eyes. I felt Jonny’s eyes immediately snap to me, looking at him I smiled lightly before turning back to Shawzy.

            “Nah, I had a Skype date with Erica last night and she made me watch Marley and Me.” I lied. “You know how that makes me blubber like a teenage girl, no one fucking kills off a dog in movies.” The team all laughed except for Jonny, who just looked at me sadly.

            Practice went well, Jonny and I still clicking on the ice. It wasn’t until we got off the plane in Dallas when things went to shit. We were getting onto the bus, I overheard Seabrook talking to Jonny. “So are you picking up the ring while we are here?”

            “Yes, they called yesterday saying it was ready for pick up.” Jonny answered, his tone heavier than normal.

            “Lindsey’s going to love it.” Seabs said, I could hear the smile in his voice. “How are you going to ask her?”

            “I don’t know.” Jonny said with a shrug. I gasped as I realized what they were talking about. Jonny was going to propose to Lindsey, and I felt my broken heart shatter even more. At my gasp Jonny and Seabs turned around to look at me.

            “You excited Kaner that the Captain here is finally going to pop the question?” He asked unaware of my broken heart. Jonny just looked at me, saying sorry with those big brown bug eyes of his.

            “They’re meant to be.” I choked out, somehow managing a smile before going to the back of the bus putting my head phones on as I went. Curling up into a ball, I ignored the rest of my team, skipping out on dinner with the normal people, for room service.

            I cried as I sat on my bed eating my shitty dinner. I cried for my broken heart, I cried for feeling sorry for myself and I cried for making Jonny feel bad about finding the one he loved. A couple hours later I heard a knock on the door but decided not to open it. “Patrick, I know you’re in there.” Came Jonny’s voice. “I should have told you I was planning on proposing to Lindsey, I’m sorry I didn’t.” After a few minutes of silence I heard him walk away.

            Not long after I heard another knock at my door. “Alright, you missed dinner so we’re going to watch a movie together open this damn door.” Sharpy said through the door. “You don’t get to bag out of time with me, especially since we don’t get to see each other as much anymore.”

            Climbing out of bed I walked over to the door. I knew Sharpy wouldn’t give up, he would find a way to get a key to my room, it was easier just to let him in. “Hey Sharpy.” I smile at him.

            “Kaner” he said, worry evident in his voice. He pushed his way in closing the door behind him and wrapping me into a comforting hug. “What’s wrong?”

            “Jonny’s going to propose to Lindsey.” I sobbed into his chest, he just held me tighter.

            “Oh Patrick.” He whispered. “Did you tell him?”

            “Yesterday, before I knew he was going to propose.” I admitted. “Seabs was talking about it on the bus today; else I don’t think Jonny would have told me until after.”

            “I’ll forgive you for skipping out on dinner with me, you have a good reason.” He said ushering me over to the bed and snuggling up to me as he sat down. “Why don’t we watch one of those stupid movies you love and bash the dumb people?” I nod in response.

            By the time Sharpy left I was feeling a little bit better but still had this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I unlocked my phone and checked the messages I missed during the movie, most of them from Jonny.

**Jonny**

                                                                                          _I’m sorry Pat. I was going_

_to tell you but I didn’t know_

_how._

_I didn’t want to make things_

_awkward._

_Can we just hang out like we_

_normally do?_

 

                                                                                          _Sharpy told me to give you_

_time. I’m sorry Pat, I truly_

_am._

 

                                                                                      _I’ll give you as much time as_

_you need. I’ll miss you._

               

                I locked my phone before climbing out of bed to get ready for sleep. Looking at myself in the mirror I was shocked to see how bad I looked. I was a shell of the person I was two days ago. My eyes were sunken in, with dark circles underneath them, the puffiness extremely evident. “What are you going to do Pat?” I asked myself in the mirror. After a couple minutes of debating I decided I would stop feeling anything and solely focus on hockey.

            That lasted of all five seconds when Jonny burst into the room, with the spare key Captains get for everyone else’s room. “Pat?” He questioned once he didn’t see me in the room. Walking slowly out of the bathroom, he turned and looked at me.

            “What’s up?” I questioned trying to keep my voice as casual as possible. He grabbed my shoulders and kissed me hard on the lips. I pulled back confused as what was happening. “Jonny.” I murmur.

            “I need to know what it would be like to be with you.” Jonny said into my mouth before kissing me again. My brain was saying no to this but my heart was saying yes, if I only got this one time, at least I got it.

            Our lips moved together in sync, as Jonny’s hands moved from my shoulders down to my ass. I groaned in response and thrust into Jonny’s hips. As we continued to grope each other, we slowly moved our way to the bed, where Jonny threw me onto bed before pulling off my pants, his followed before climbing onto me. His lips reattached themselves to mine, as my hand snaked around both of our erections and I started to jerk us off together.

            Jonny gasped into my mouth, panting as I brought us closer to our climax. Jonny came first, his spasms caused me to come shortly after. “God, Jonny.” I whispered as he collapsed on top of me. That was the best sex I had ever had and it wasn’t more than a hand job.

            Jonny quickly got out of bed like he had been burned. “This was a mistake, I got to go.” He said hurriedly pulling on his pants before leaving the room. I felt my heart shatter again, I had a taste of what I dreamed of just to have it yanked away.

            This time I didn’t cry myself to sleep, I just didn’t sleep.

            Morning skate the next day was brutal I was too pissed at Jonny to look at him. Coach was pissed at both of us, as he could see that we weren’t talking to each other. He had some words with Jonny before practice was over.

            The game was even worse than morning skate. It was a shit show and it was hard for me to even care because my heart was already so shattered. Coach yelled at us during our post game meeting, before speaking to Jonny again.

            Finding a seat on the plane, I curled into another ball, my que to let people know I wasn’t in the mood. Everyone left me alone and I was thankful, I was worried Jonny would come over and apologize to me, which would make it worse.

            The next day we had off and I wasn’t planning on moving from my bed. But once again my plans were ruined as Jonny’s voice started calling me from the living room. I hoped he would leave if I didn’t answer, but unfortunately he didn’t, he just made his way up to my room. “Patrick.” He said opening the door.

            “Go away Jonathan. I don’t want to talk to you.” I said angrily, pulling the covers over my head.

            “Well I want to talk to you.” He said sitting down on the bed, yanking the covers off of my head.

            “About what, kissing me, having sex with me, telling me it was a mistake, all while knowing how I felt about you?” I asked my voice rising. “Well you can go fuck yourself, you bastard.”

            “Pat.” He said quietly.

            “Don’t Pat me.” I said angry tears forming in my eyes. “Do you know how much it hurt, when I found out you were going to propose to Lindsey? My heart shattered but I knew I could get over that because it would make you happy. But then you kissed me and my life felt complete. Then you told me it was a mistake and left, causing my heart to shatter more than a human can handle.”

            “Patrick I-“

            “Don’t apologize. I thought having you once would be enough. I knew it was just a one off for you. But I have now tasted you and want you even more, so much it hurts when I look at you. I won’t tell Lindsey or anyone what happened, but can you just leave me alone, please?”

            “I told Lindsey this morning.” Jonny said causing me to actually look at him for the first time today.

            “You what?” I asked, my voice cracking.

            “I told Lindsey this morning.” He repeated. “When I said it was a mistake, the mistake I was talking about was cheating on Lindsey.” He took a deep breath. “Having sex with you, was not a mistake, it was amazing.” My heart started to race. “I told Lindsey this morning that I loved her but I couldn’t marry her.”

            “What about the ring?” I asked, afraid to get my hopes up.

            “I never actually picked it up from the jewelers.” He said. “How could I ask someone to marry me when I was head over heels in love with someone else.” I just looked at him, my eyes wide. “I’m sorry Patrick, when you told me of your feelings I should have said I love you too, instead of going through all of this drama, but I was confused because I love Lindsey too.”

            “Jonny” I croaked.

            “Let me finish Pat.” He said looking right into my eyes. “It just took me a little while to realize that I love Lindsey like I would love a friend, and I love you like I need air. We’re meant to be together and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. I never meant to hurt you, and I will spend the rest of my life making up for it.”

            “What are you saying?” I asked sitting up.

            “I broke things off with Lindsey because I want to date you, and marry _you_ one day.” Jonny said leaning over and kissing me lightly before pulling back. “I love you Patrick.”

            “I love you too, Jonny.” I murmured as my heart started to piece itself back together and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach started to feel. My parents were right, love hurts but it is worth the pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any errors. Hope you enjoyed.


End file.
